Malice in Wonderland Bundle 3 Read online

  He answers, “That is none of your concern.”

  Malice is overcome with the urge to defend her dear Jabby, so she shouts, “He’s just a nice, proper gentleman! Errr, gentlejabberwock! No, not gentle, just nice! I mean to me, he’s nice, but to others he’s fierce...if they deserve it, he’s fierce.” She mumbles the last part of her sentence, wondering if she even should have spoken in the first place.

  The Horseman Head rolls his eyes. “Nonetheless... Jabberwock, you still have the chance to turn things around and make amends for your dishonorable behavior of siding with the...humans.” He says the “h” word like it’s a dirty word. “Instead, you should side with me, as a fellow monster, and together, with me and all your fellow monster brothers, we shall destroy Wonderland!”

  The neck stump on the Horseman Body twists side to side in a gesture of shaking its head, even though the Jabberwock Head is across the room. “No,” the Jabberwock says. “You are hardly in the position to conquer anything. I have my own suggestion to make to you. Surrender. Now.”

  “Yeah,” Humpty says. “And perhaps the Queen shall have mercy upon your soul.”

  “No,” the Horseman Head says, and Malice notices the Horseman Body is once again twisting its neck side to side as if shaking its head.

  How curious.

  The Horseman Head says, “You disappoint me, Jabberwock. You’re not a real monster. As far as I’m concerned, you might as well be a human. You’ve already been using a human’s body, but that’s about to change now, all because of your refusal to do the honorable thing and join my side...”

  The Jabberwock says, “What do you mean? What— What are you doing?!” His eyes are wide in alarm as he stares at the headless body.

  Now Malice turns her head to her left and watches the body twitch and take a jerky step forward.

  The Jabberwock shouts, “No! Leave it alone! It’s my body!”

  “That’s a laugh!” the Horseman Head says. “It’s the Horseman’s body, but perhaps you’ve grown so familiar with it, you must’ve plum forgotten. How adorable! You think you’re people!”

  It dawns on Malice what’s occurring here. Reginald, The Headless Horseman, used to carry his decapitated head around in the hands of his body. Due to his necromantic magic, he was able to control his body’s movements as long as his head was in close proximity to it. But he’d made a deal with the Jabberwock to basically rent out the headless body.

  But now, they are both within proximity of it...

  The Horseman Body takes two jerky, running steps in the direction of the Jabberwock Head, before freezing in place, with one foot lifted up. And now the body begins to shake, as if it’s struggling to break free of suspended animation.

  “They’re fighting for control over the body!” Humpty shouts, which echoes what Malice is thinking.

  And Malice feels uncertain what to do about it. Should she tell the skeleton girls to shoot the Horseman Body? But if she does that, poor Jabby will be left without a healthy body. She bites her lip as the Horseman Body takes several more lurchy steps toward the Jabberwock Head.

  For all I know, the Jabberwock is in control of the body and wants to pick his head up and hold it, like he usually does. But no, the Horseman Body has a threatening sort of body language, and Jabby’s face looks afraid.

  And the Horseman Body takes several more steps toward the Jabberwock Head, as the Horseman Head laughs mockingly, and the fear grows on the Jabberwock’s face.

  So should I order the skeleton girls to tackle the Horseman Body? Would they even be successful? Why, they’re all skin and bones... Well...they’re all bones. They’re boney. And once again, the skeleton girls might end up harming the body the Jabberwock is using!

  “No!” the Jabberwock shouts as the headless body crouches down to pick the Jabberwock Head up. And Malice realizes that now it’s too late.

  “Put me down this instant!” the Jabberwock yells as the Horseman Body stands up, while holding the Jabberwock Head in one hand.

  The Horseman Head/Snark shouts, “Ha! Got you now, you little bugger!”

  And the Horseman Body presses his crossbow bolt against the side of the Jabberwock Head.

  The Horseman Head calls out, “Don’t any of you try nothin’, or this fake monster gets it!”

  “Don’t bargain with him!” the Jabberwock says.

  Everyone in the room seems to be casting glances at Malice—seeking guidance. Half the skeleton girls with crossbows are aiming at the point above the Horseman Head, the other half aiming at the Horseman Body and two are even aiming at the Jabberwock Head. Since she’s the Queen and all, they expect her to take charge and try to fix things—it is one of the more annoying aspects of being a monarch.

  She stomps her foot upon the ground. “Oh, this is a blooming mess, isn’t it? But no, Jabby I shan’t sacrifice you just to get at this minuscule little squid.”

  “Snark,” the Horseman Head corrects, just as Malice had predicted, and causing her to chuckle a little to herself, despite the gravity of the situation. She immediately recognizes her grim amusement as an effect of the black rose—yes, it’s keeping her mood in between utterly vicious and sickeningly sweet, but it’s also like a kind of intoxication. “Let me out of here and no one gets hurt,” the Snark says, speaking through the Horseman Head.

  The Jabberwock shouts, “Not asking you to sacrifice me! Just shoot the Snark! Then I’ll regain control of the body!”

  Malice says, “I shan’t risk it!”

  The Snark says, “You could end up shooting the Horseman Head, here. And what a tragedy that’d be!”

  The Jabberwock says, “Well, he was a bit of a nuisance, anyway.”

  Malice shouts, “No, Jabby! I don’t want anyone getting hurt here, not even the Snark!” And now she looks to the Horseman Head. “You should turn yourself in peacefully. For your own safety...”

  The Horseman Head chuckles. “That’s a laugh! No, you’re going to do as I say. I have the advantage here—why, I’ve literally got ahold of your human-loving friend here by the hair!”

  Malice rolls her eyes. “Actually, you don’t, literally.” She’s referring to the fact that the Jabberwock doesn’t have hair.

  The Horseman Head/Snark sniffs. “Irregardless. The fact of the matter, is that now I’m going to give the orders, and if you do what I say, and don’t do anything stupid, like try to shoot me...” He glares at one of the skeleton girls who’s still aiming at the invisible hat... “I shall make my escape, and you shall have your traitor-to-the-monsters guard back. Now, Miss Malice, since you’re supposedly the queen of the so-called Queendom of Wonderland, I bestow the honors to you...to carry Reginald’s head with me atop it, safely outside.”

  “And then what?”

  “And then I shall take my leave, and we shall meet again another day, of course.”

  The Jabberwock shouts, “Don’t go along with anything this cad says!”

  “Oh, shush,” Malice says, “I’m trying to save your head.”

  “Ah!” the Snark says. “Yes, let the cooler heads prevail!”

  Malice says, “Why shouldn’t I think this is some sort of trick, and you’ll shoot the Jabberwock before you scurry away?”

  “I don’t scurry.”

  “Okay, scamper...”

  “I shall egress. But nevertheless and irregardless, I shall give my word. I won’t shoot the Jabberwock if you hold up your end of the bargain. That would only put my own life in danger, and it’s not worth it, to risk my own life merely to take the life of an inferior monster-wannabe such as this.” The Horseman Body shakes the Jabberwock Head, causing him to exclaim, “Oi! Lay off!”

  “Oh, crikey!” Malice shouts. “Very well, then! Promise me you’ll egress peacefully and shall set Jabby free, and I shall escort you out.”

  The Snark says, “I give my word, and I ask that you do the same.”

  “Don’t!” the Jabberwock blurts, but Malice shoots him a look to silence him.

 
Malice says, “As the rightful ruler of the glorious, legitimate Queendom of Wonderland, I give you my word, I shall safely escort you out...”

  “And not pursue me...” the Snark adds.

  Malice bows her head and says, “And not pursue you. And I pray that you shall reconsider your silly notion of destroying Wonderland.”

  He smirks. “It shan’t seem so funny to you once you are bowing beneath my rule. Since you are being merciful today, perhaps I shall spare your life.”

  Humpty says, “You shall never defeat Queen Malice!”

  She grins at him and says, “Thank you, love. Now, let’s get this unpleasant business over with so I don’t have to converse with unpleasant company any longer.”

  “I’m right here,” the Horseman Head/Snark says.

  She nods. “Quite. And now it’s time for you to bugger off.”

  “Yes, till we meet again.”

  Humpty says, “And then she’ll conquer you.”

  “Oh, she most definitely won’t,” the Horseman Head/Snark says.

  “She shall!” Humpty says.

  Malice interrupts them by saying, “Femurlina! Follow us out. Keep your aim on him in case he tries anything, but don’t shoot unless you have to.”

  “Aye,” Femurlina replies.

  The Horseman Head sounds offended as he says, “That won’t be necessary. I assure you, I’m an honorable adversary. I keep my word, and hope you do as well.”

  “Of course I do. I’m sure Femurlina won’t need to shoot. She’ll simply tag along to witness how honorably we both behave.”

  The Horseman Head/Snark rolls his eyes. “Get me the blast out of here.”

  “Very well,” Malice says as she approaches the Horseman Head, and she hears Humpty say, “Careful, love,” and she says, “I simply must feel.” On an impulse, Malice reaches out and presses her hand to the top of the invisible hat—it feels just like a regular hat.

  “Hey!” the Horseman Head says. “Are you done?”

  Malice removes her hand. “Did the Hatter really make you that?

  “Of course not.”

  “Then where’d you get it?”

  “None of your business! Now let me bugger off!”

  Malice lifts the Horseman Head, her face screwing up from the sheer ickiness of the experience. She holds the head as far away from her body as she can as she walks out toward the outside. Femurlina walks next to her, keeping her crossbow pointed at the Snark beneath the invisible hat. The Horseman Body follows, keeping his crossbow aimed at the Jabberwock Head, and Humpty tags along behind.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  IN THE LAWN OUTSIDE the bone mansion, she sets the Horseman Head on the ground.

  “Now what?” Malice looks to blue-bikini-wearing Femurlina, now to Humpty, who shrugs.

  The Horseman Head/Snark says, “Now I shall leave you sorry lot of losers. But know this—this is not the end between us, so-called Queen Malice! And you shall rue the day you ever met me!”

  Malice rolls her eyes, now looks down at the decapitated head, showing him her scolding face. “Yada yada yada. Are you still here?”

  The features of the Horseman Head go blank, as a piercing, loud screeching sound issues forth from the area above the head.

  It causes Malice to jolt and let out a frightened yelp.

  The Snark can’t be seen, but he’s heard. He speaks in his true voice, slightly muffled. His voice is high-pitched, and scratchy, and most decidedly inhuman. “We shall meet again!” he says.

  Malice watches in shock as a top hat suddenly appears and rises up. What look like maybe half a dozen wriggly black worms appear on top of the Horseman Head.

  But now Malice realizes what she is seeing—the “worms” are actually the bottom parts of the Snark’s tentacles sticking out the bottom of the hat.

  “Rue the day!” the Snark screeches. “That’s what you shall do! Look upon the day that you shall rue meeting me, with dread!”

  Malice smirks. “Was that a sentence?”

  “You get the point!” He screeches. “Remember! Rue it!”

  “The day?” Malice says.

  “You mock, but that’s exactly what you shall rue. And now, I can’t stand to remain a single moment more around you worthless sods, and so!...” The top hat leaps to the grass below. “I bid you good day!”

  And now the Snark, covered by the hat, begins scurrying away.

  Malice shouts at the Snark, “Well hats off to ya!” She shakes her fist. “And don’t show your tentacles around here again, if you know what’s good for you!”

  The Snark doesn’t reply as he moves toward the cover of the forest.

  From the ground in front of her blasts out a loud yell. “Ahhhh!”

  Next to her, Humpty lets out a shout of surprise.

  “Crikey!” Malice yells. “All this shouting! I’ve almost jumped out of my skin!” She scowls down at the Horseman Head, but when she sees his expression, she feels sorry for him.

  Reginald looks alarmed and confused, with his eyes darting around. The hair atop his head is disheveled. “I say, what’s going on?”

  The Jabberwock says, “A prat took you over.” Malice is pleased to see Jabby’s regained control of the Horseman Body.

  “What prat?” Reginald says. “Where am I? Outside?”

  Femurlina says, “Yes, Master, you’re just outside the mansion. You were taken over by the Snark—he latched onto your head and pretended he was you.”

  Humpty whimpers, says, “And he’s going to be coming for us all.”

  Malice says, “Don’t worry, love. We’ll handle him just fine.”

  Reginald says, “He was hiding inside that blasted hat! Confound it! I should’ve known!”

  Malice says, “Yes, he pulled that hat trick before, on Hatter.”

  Reginald says, “That’s where the hat supposedly came from!”

  “Well that was a lie.” Malice says. Now she’s distracted as out of the corner of her eye, she sees Femurlina moving her arm while standing next to Humpty.

  When she turns her head, she sees that Femurlina is patting Humpty on the shoulder and standing way too close to him. In fact, if the girl had breasts, they’d definitely be pressed up against her Humpty!

  Malice watches in a daze as Femurlina leans in to whisper something in his ear—

  She barely notices Reginald saying, “She told me it was a gift from the Mad Hatter. So it wasn’t?”

  Is that skinny hussy trying to come onto my Humpty?!

  “Oi!” Malice shouts to Femurlina. “What’s the secret?”

  Femurlina and Humpty jolt and pull away from each other, both looking guilty, though it’s hard to read the boney hussy’s fleshless face. Humpty, on the other face, is starting to blush.

  “Secret?” the Horseman Head says.

  “Hold on a sec,” Malice says to him. Then to Humpty, “Is she making you uncomfortable, love?”

  “No,” Humpty sputters. “She, uh, was being comfortable. I mean, comforting.” He rubs the back of his neck with his hand.

  “Yeah,” Femurlina says, “He just seemed a little upset about all this. Just wanted to comfort him.”

  Malice feels the jealousy surge through her, and she clenches her fist. If she was as heartless as she had been sometimes in the past, she might try to murder that bag of bones. But no, her heart is working, but the black rose is keeping her from being too sappy-sweet—so her emotions are stuck in the middle of the extremes.

  Malice snarls. “I think you should show some self respect and get your bony bikinied body off of him, since you’re obviously creeping him out, undead girl.”

  Reginald says, “My girls are highly skilled in pleasing people.”

  Malice chooses not to reply—maybe if she ignores him, he’ll quit yapping.

  Humpty raises his hands, pats his palms against the air. “Whoa, Femurlina was just helping. I got a little...overwhelmed with the Snark putting the Jabberwock and you in danger. I don’t ever want to lose eith
er of you.”

  “That’s sweet,” Malice says.

  The Jabberwock adds, “It’s good to know I’d be missed.”

  Humpty says, “I wish I was as brave as you two in the face of danger, but alas, I am not. I was woefully upset, and Femurlina merely sought to calm me.”

  “With her body?” Malice snarls.

  Humpty looks taken aback. “What? I— I—”

  Femurlina says, “I just offered him a hug—a comforting hug.”

  Humpty says, “Yeah, she was just being nice.”

  Reginald says, “She’s one of my nicest servant girls.”

  Malice scowls at him before raising her head. “I just think, you shouldn’t...” She flounders, thinking of what she can say that won’t make her look bad.

  Femurlina lets forth a groan. “You act like I’m doing something wrong or something. But everyone in Wonderland knows you’re not an item, so there’s no problem, right?” She looks at Humpty for confirmation.

  And Humpty looks at Malice, seeming guilty. He says, “We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend, but Malice is— You are—” he says while making eye contact, “Malice, you’re a dear friend, and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but—”

  “But what?” Malice snaps.

  Humpty winces. But he recovers and squares his shoulders as he says, “But it’s really just a hug...that she wanted to give me. Nothing, uh...romantic.”

  Femurlina puts a hand on her bony hip. “Not that it would matter even if it were romantic, right?”

  Malice mirrors the girl’s posture. “Well, I’m sure that wouldn’t be possible in the first place. No boy would have romantic feelings for your bony butt. Girl, you’re all skin and bones! Oops, I mean you’re all bones. And your skimpy bikini isn’t fooling anyone—there’s nothing underneath it.”

  Reginald says, “I think she has a lovely body and is a good kisser, too.”

  “Ew,” Malice says to him.

  Femurlina says, “Hmmph! Well, since you’re so adamant that it’s not even possible for him to have romantic feelings for me, then you can’t possibly object to the hug, then. Sorted and done!” She faces Humpty—she holds her bony arms out wide. “So, come on, cutie pie! And let me comfort you!”